The Enemy of My Enemy
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: When Batman interferes in Ra's al Ghul's plot to destroy innocent lives, Ra's uses his influence in high places to have Batman committed to Arkham Asylum. Locked in the asylum with the inmates he helped put there, Batman struggles to protect his life, sanity, and identity, but soon learns that the enemy of his enemy may indeed be his friend.
1. Chapter 1

**The Enemy of My Enemy**

"...Gotham City's vigilante hero, the Batman, only just failed to arrive in time to stop the bomb, which killed approximately two-hundred civilians. It is similar in nature to the previous attacks on Gotham Stadium and Gotham University Library. No known organization has taken credit for the bombings, but police investigators maintain their certainty that this is a terrorist attack, although it bears none of the hallmarks of the traditional Gotham supercriminals. And Batman has confirmed that all supercriminals are still confined in Arkham Asylum…"

The TV was switched off suddenly. "Not all," murmured the man watching it from a makeshift throne. "But then I have never considered myself a supercriminal. More of a guardian, like the great Batman himself. A guardian or…a savior. Gotham's Savior, and the world's."

He stood up, going over to study the map of the world hanging on the wall. "If only such representations truly reflected the rot and pestilence and decay that humanity has wrought upon the earth," he murmured. "It would be a terrible thing to behold. Humanity tears each other apart, limb from limb, and yet the world endures, waiting for the day when it will be wiped clean from the scum which infests it. Waiting for renewal, for salvation."

He lay his hand upon the map. "The time is close at hand. So very close…"

"Forgive the intrusion, my lord," said a voice, as another man entered the room.

"No intrusion. I was pleased to hear of the success of your efforts on the news, despite attempted interference from the Batman," said the first man, returning to his throne. "Another small segment of the earth purified. Progress is slow, but all worthwhile achievements take time. Good things come to those who wait. And I have all the time in the world."

"Yes, my lord," said the second man, bowing. "But you said this time you wanted something different?"

"Oh yes. This time I want someone to take credit for the attacks."

The second man looked puzzled. "Forgive me, my lord, but I understood secrecy was of the essence…"

"It is. I have no intention of crediting myself with them," said the first man, steepling his fingers. "But human hatred is most effective when it is directed against someone or something. To have terror and destruction itself as a means to an end, random, meaningless violence without sense or purpose…the human brain is too small to cope with such an idea. There must always be a reason. And there must always be a person responsible, someone the public can channel their rage and hatred against. A face of evil."

"And…whose face are you considering, my lord?" asked the second man hesitantly.

The first man was silent. "A face of evil. Or a mask."

He was silent again. "What do you know of the Batman?" he asked.

"Very little, my lord, other than what the news reports..."

"He is a man who uses terror to frighten criminals. An intimidating costume and mask is all that is necessary to send evil-doers fleeing in fear, or so he believes. And yet the man is considered a hero because he saves human life. Innocent human life, because he is naïve and foolish enough to believe there is such a thing. I have tried time and again to cure him of this way of thinking, but there is no reaching roots so deep. He foolishly insists that all life is sacred, and refuses to kill, even for the good of many. He repeatedly fights the so-called supercriminals of Gotham, time and time again imprisoning them in a lunatic asylum, only to have them break out and repeat the endless cycle of carnage and violence. Because he is too blind to see that sometimes it is necessary to take a life to save the world."

He leaned back in his throne. "He has interfered in my work before and will not fail to do so again. He nearly stopped this latest bomb. I need him out of my way permanently."

He tapped his fingers on the arm of his throne. "What contacts does the organization have in the media? In law enforcement? In the government of Gotham City?"

"We have plants here and there. Tell me what your will is, my lord, and it will be done. Nothing will stop us from fulfilling your vision."

He nodded. "I wish the police to discover that Batman has been responsible for the bombings and issue a warrant for his arrest. I wish the media to report this to the public. I wish the government in response to the public outcry to confine him to the very lunatic asylum to which he confines his supercriminals. Once in Arkham Asylum, in their hands, he will never leave it alive."

He nodded again. "The lunatics, the ones he has worked so hard to save, will kill him. A fitting end. Justice of a very poetic kind. Surely Batman will appreciate it. And then we can carry on with our crusade unhindered by idealistic vigilantes. We will wipe the earth clean not only of the Batman, but of the supercriminals, and all the scum of humanity. It will be a glorious beginning of a new and beautiful world. A perfect world."

The second man bowed. "You will is no sooner said than done, my lord. We will not fail you."

"No," agreed the first man. "For those who fail the Demon do not live to repeat their failure."

The second man bowed again. "May your glorious work be speedily accomplished, my lord. All hail the great Ra's al Ghul."

He kissed his hand and departed. Ra's al Ghul looked after him, and then flicked on the TV again. "I am sorry, Detective," he murmured, as the screen flashed pictures of Batman. "But you brought this on yourself."


	2. Chapter 2

"It's garbage, all of it! Utter garbage!" shouted Commissioner Gordon. "Why would Batman go around blowing up people?! He doesn't kill, everyone knows that! He's never done anything but saved people's lives! Why would he suddenly have snapped now?!"

He slammed his fist down on the newspaper on his desk, the headline of which read _Batman Goes Bats. _The story itself was apparently an investigative journalist scoop broken by the paper, confirming that the police had found evidence to implicate Batman in the bombings.

"Comish, you've seen the evidence," retorted Bullock, lighting a cigar. "It's pretty conclusive. And I ain't surprised. Always knew the freak was just like the rest of them. What kinda mind have you gotta have to dress up in a bat costume and beat up people anyway? A disturbed one, if you ask me. And now we've found the proof."

"Bullock, you know him as well as I do," retorted Gordon. "I know you and he have never been friends, but you know he isn't capable of plotting terrorist attacks!"

Bullock shrugged. "Guess you never really know what people are capable of, huh, Comish? And I ain't never trusted the caped freak. He always seemed to know too much of what was going on in this city, y'know? Clearly had inside information, or he just committed a lotta these crimes himself and let others take the blame…"

"I'm not the kind of man who tries to shift blame," said a voice out of the shadows. They both turned as Batman appeared. "Nor am I the kind of man who fails to take responsibility for my actions."

"But these aren't your actions, Batman!" snapped Gordon, gesturing at the paper. "You've been set up! I know that!"

"I have," agreed Batman, nodding. "But the best way to make myself appear guilty would be to hide in the shadows and avoid facing judgement. I am innocent of these attacks, and I'm fully prepared to cooperate with the law in order to prove that."

"No, Batman, you can't do that!" snapped Gordon. "If you hand yourself in, they're going to confine you to Arkham! You won't last five minutes in there! The freaks will eat you alive!"

"I can handle them," retorted Batman. "That's why they're in there. I'm not afraid of them."

That was a lie. Batman's face behind the mask was calm and composed, but inwardly he was afraid. If he was to be confined in a small space with all of his enemies, he wasn't sure he could beat them. But he couldn't run from this. Batman knew who had set him up – he knew who was behind the bombings. Ra's al Ghul was a cruel and intelligent man, with friends in high places. Only he could have masterminded something as ruthless and clever as this, something that would destroy his image as a hero if he remained free, and might destroy his life if he was incarcerated. Either way, he would lose something. And he would rather lose his life than have everything Batman stood for be destroyed. He had to prove his innocence by any methods necessary. Even if it meant sacrificing his life.

"I need you to negotiate for me, Jim," he murmured. "I need my identity protected at all costs, not to protect myself, but to protect the people close to me. I need to be able to keep my mask in Arkham. Can you ask Dr. Leland if that would be allowed?"

Gordon nodded. "Dr. Leland's a reasonable woman. I've already been on the phone to her – she thinks this is madness too, and doesn't believe in your guilt for an instant. I'm sure she'll do what she can to accommodate you."

"That's gratifying to hear," murmured Batman.

"Yeah, well some of us ain't pig-headed enough to ignore facts when they stare us in the face," snapped Bullock. "I don't take back any of what I said, Bats – you are just like the rest of them. I'm glad you're finally being locked up where you belong."

He left Gordon's office, slamming the door. Batman stared after him and then said quietly, "I would say I'd like to turn myself in with as little attention as possible, but I imagine the media could never pass up this particular photo opportunity."

"I'll do what I can," muttered Gordon. "It's not much, mind. Everyone's out for your blood. The news, the papers, the radio, everyone baying about how they should have seen this coming, warning signs of a psychopath…"

"Yeah, I've heard," interrupted Batman.

Gordon stared at him. "I don't believe it for a second," he muttered. "None of it. Tell me who's responsible and I swear I'll get them to clear your name."

Batman shook his head slowly. "I don't think you'll be able to touch him, Jim. He's too clever for that. I'm the only one who can stop him. And I will. I'll find a way out of Arkham – there must be about a million escape routes if you consider how frequently the inmates bust out," he said, forcing a smile.

Gordon didn't smile. "This city needs you," he muttered. "If you go down, we're lost. All of us. I…don't know what I'll do without you."

Batman lay a hand on his shoulder. "You'll be the fine police officer you've always been," he murmured.

Gordon clasped his hand tightly. "If…something happens to you," he murmured. "I just wanna say…thanks. For everything. You've done more for this city than you'll ever know."

"My life's not important, Jim," murmured Batman. "But Batman is. He's the only thing that matters. If…I don't survive, make sure he does at least. In your heart if nowhere else."

"I promise," murmured Gordon. He glanced out the window and sighed again. "Bullock's been busy. Camera crews outside. Fortunately we can process the arrest quietly in here, but after that…I can't protect you from them."

Batman nodded, but didn't say another word. He simply looked at Gordon and held out his wrists.

Gordon gazed at him, and then slowly placed the handcuffs on him and led him out of the office. There were tears in his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Dr. Leland stared hard at the wall, tapping a pencil nervously against her desk. She had been thinking about this for a long time, and had finally reached a decision. She nodded firmly to herself, and then pressed a buzzer on her desk. "Ann? Can you ask the guards to bring me the Joker, please?"

About five minutes later, the Clown Prince of Crime was dragged into her office, smiling as usual. "What's up, Doc?" he chuckled.

"Leave us, please," said Dr. Leland to the guards.

"Are you sure you wanna…" began one of the guards.

"Yes," she interrupted. "Go back to your posts."

The guards shared a look but obeyed, leaving and shutting the door behind them. Joker still smiled at her. "Wanting some private time with the clown, huh, Doc?" he chuckled. "Y'know, I always suspected you had a thing for me. Well, it wouldn't be the first time I've done a shrink in her office. And I won't tell Harley if you won't."

Dr. Leland ignored him, studying him intently. She wondered if this was the right thing to do. It seemed like madness, but it felt right, and that was all she had to rely on at the moment. "You won't have seen the news yet, will you?" she asked.

"News? Oh yes, those dreadful bombings. Shocking tragedy, I must say," sighed Joker, although he still smiled. "All those innocent people blown up into little, tiny pieces!" He suddenly laughed hysterically. "Sorry, Doc, it just…cracks me up!" he giggled.

"And you haven't heard who the police are saying is responsible for them?" asked Dr. Leland quietly.

"Nope. It's not me, is it?" he asked. "I'm innocent, Doc, I swear! There ain't no gag in blowing up a stadium and a library and…what was the third one?"

"A hospital."

"Yeah…but that don't sound like a set up to a joke, does it? A stadium, a library, and a hospital walk into a bar…nope, it just don't work, Doc. It ain't funny. And if it ain't funny, you know I didn't do it."

"Nobody is saying you did it. But the…person they've found evidence against is being committed to this institution in a matter of hours…"

"Oooh, wait, lemme guess," said Joker, holding up his hand and shutting his eyes. "Who's not here at the moment who likes to explode stuff? Harley, but she's in here. Harvey too, but same goes. Pammie likes her exploding fruit, but she's in here too. Johnny Crane likes explosions of gas and terror, but he's here. Tetchy sometimes gets explosive, but he's locked up. Hmm…running out of options. Eddie Nygma's here, Croc's here, Freeze is here, Scarface is here, Clayface is here…who else is there? Pengers is in Blackgate, I'm sure, along with Bane…"

He paused. "Ok, I give up. Who is it?"

"It's…"

"Catwoman!" he exclaimed, leaping to his feet. "Kitty's finally snapped from the lack of Bat-action and turned to the dark side! It's Catwoman, isn't it?"

"No, it's…"

"Hugo Strange! He's probably got an itchy bombing finger!"

"No, it's…"

"Lex Luthor! Coming into my town and screwing things up – I hope Batsy beats the crap outta him…"

"It's Batman, Joker," retorted Dr. Leland.

He stared at her. "You wanna repeat that, Doc?" he murmured. "And then pinch me, because I think I might be dreaming."

"The man they've accused of the bombings, the man they're incarcerating here…is Batman."

Joker just gaped at her. Then he started laughing hysterically, jumping up and down in excitement. "Oh, I knew if I wished upon a star hard enough, my dream would come true! It's like Christmas and my birthday and a mass shooting all rolled into one! Finally, after all these years, Batsy's coming home to where he belongs, in the madhouse with the rest of the crazies!"

He kept laughing, actually falling down on the floor and rolling around, unable to get up. Dr. Leland just watched him without saying anything, until he recovered himself enough to climb back into his chair. "Sorry…Doc!" he gasped, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. "It's just…such a great gag! After all Bats has done for this city, and they toss him to the wolves like the pack of ingrates they are! Aw, it's just hilarious!"

"You know what's going to happen to him in here, don't you?" asked Dr. Leland quietly. "Everyone will try to kill him."

"Can't really blame them, Doc – after all, he ain't been the most considerate guy over the years," said Joker, nodding. "Short temper, tendency to beat people to bloody pulps, tragic really. I think some psychiatric help will do him a lotta good, I really do. Maybe he can finally get to grips with these violent impulses he has. Plus all those delusions about justice and right…"

"Joker, you're an intelligent man," interrupted Dr. Leland. "I'm not going to insult your intelligence by assuming that you want Batman dead."

"Course I don't, Doc," retorted Joker, nodding. "What would I ever do without the guy? Life would be so boring. Without Batman, crime has no punchline."

"Precisely. You understand how important he is. You're probably the only one in here who understands that. Which is why I'm asking you to look after him. I'm implementing a new policy which requires all inmates to have roommates. You're going to be his. I need you to take care of him, to guard him, to keep him safe from the others. You're the only one who can do that. You're the only one the others are afraid of."

Joker looked over the moon. "You're gonna make me and Batsy roomies?" he gasped. "Sweetheart, I could kiss you!"

"Thanks, don't," snapped Dr. Leland as Joker leaned forward. "I know you don't take things seriously, but I think you understand how serious this situation is. If Batman is destroyed, as an image, or as a person, your favorite joke will be ruined. And that wouldn't be funny at all, would it?"

Joker nodded. "I get ya, Doc," he said. "And don't you worry. Nobody's gonna be able to touch a hair on Batsy's head. I'll guard him night and day – I'll be on him like a drunk date on prom night! Speaking metaphorically, of course," he chuckled.

As Dr. Leland watched the guards return him to his cell, she sincerely hoped, for Batman's sake, that he was.


	4. Chapter 4

"Gonna smile for the cameras?" muttered Gordon sarcastically as the car pulled up in front of Arkham Asylum.

"Why change the habit of a lifetime?" retorted Batman.

"Ok. If you've gotta say something, just say 'no comment.' Otherwise keep silent."

"I can do that," said Batman, nodding.

Gordon nodded, taking hold of the handcuffs on his wrists and preparing to open the door. "Good luck in there," he murmured, squeezing his hand.

And then the door opened and they stepped out, to blinding flashes of light and a flurry of voices.

"Commissioner, did you ever have any indication that Batman was a psychopath?"

"Batman, are you afraid of what's going to happen to you in Arkham?"

"Do you think the Joker will try to kill you?"

"Do you regret repeatedly beating up the inmates now that you're one of them?"

"Any guesses on how long you'll remain alive?"

"Do you have a final statement before you're basically sentenced to death?"

"Why did you do it, Batman?"

Gordon led him up the steps where Dr. Leland was waiting in front of the building. She took the handcuffs from him and then turned to the cameras. "Let me assure everyone that we in Arkham are taking every precaution to keep Batman safe from the inmates. This isn't the last you'll see of him, I promise. He'll live long enough to have each and every one of you personally apologize to him."

The voices grew louder, but Dr. Leland ignored them, pushing open the doors to the asylum and slamming them shut behind her.

Batman was led down the corridor, trying to ignore the suspicious faces of the staff studying him. He entered the cell block and walked down the hall, gazing intently at the floor. He could feel the heat and the hatred from everyone's eyes, and glanced up to see the inmates he had helped put there pressed against the bars, glaring at him in loathing. Freeze, Croc, Scarface, Clayface, the Riddler, the Mad Hatter, the Scarecrow, Two-Face, Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn….the Joker.

He was beaming at Batman with that insane grin of his. Batman thought he had never seen him look happier. "Welcome to the madhouse, Batsy!" he chuckled. "After all these years, you've finally come home!"

He laughed hysterically as the others kept glaring at Batman. Dr. Leland said, "Right, everyone listen up! I think you're all familiar with our new inmate…"

"How come he gets to keep his costume?" snapped Poison Ivy.

"Because he has an identity to protect," retorted Dr. Leland. "His secret is a huge part of his persona and I'm not going to risk destroying that persona and breaking his mind."

"The rest of us have to deal with it," growled Two-Face, flipping his coin angrily.

"Batman is not like the rest of you," retorted Dr. Leland. "He's a special case, and because of that, I'm implementing a change in policy. From now on, you will all be sharing your cells with roommates…"

"Dibs, dibs, dibs!" shouted Joker, seizing Batman's arm and pulling him against the bars.

"Aw, but Mr. J, I wanna share a room with you!" said Harley, frowning.

"Harley, we can't have people of different genders sharing rooms," retorted Dr. Leland.

"Why not?" demanded Harley.

"Because we're not supposed to encourage immorality of that kind…"

"But you're gonna let Johnny and Jervis share, and they're a couple!" cried Harley.

"No, we're not!" snapped Crane.

"Yeah, Hatty's a pedophile, Harley, everyone knows that," said Joker. "He wouldn't be interested in the 40-year-old virgin."

"In the what?" demanded Crane.

"I am not a pedophile!" cried Tetch.

"Oh, c'mon, Hatty, just admit it!" retorted Joker. "You want to have a creepy, pseudo-father relationship with a much younger woman. It's just plain wrong."

"But I'm gonna miss you, Daddy," breathed Harley, gazing at Joker with tears in her eyes. "Who's gonna give me a spanking for being a bad girl?"

"Aw, sweets, Daddy will still come and visit you," cooed Joker.

"Not sharing a cell with me you won't," growled Ivy. "I do not wanna see that."

"Oh, c'mon, Pammie, we'll let you join in!" chuckled Joker. "I admit I ain't much like a plant, but at least I got green hair so you can kinda pretend…"

"I don't have sex with plants, you disgusting creep!" shouted Ivy.

"And she can't join in, Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "It's our private time!"

"And I wouldn't have a threesome with you if you begged me!"

"Everyone just calm down!" shouted Dr. Leland. "I have assigned roommates for each of you. Freeze, you're with Clayface because he doesn't feel cold. The rest of the pairings are as follows: Harley and Ivy, Two-Face and Scarface, Scarecrow and Hatter, Croc and Riddler, Joker and…Batman."

Everyone started shouting at once, except for Joker, who looked beyond thrilled. "These assignments are final!" shouted Dr. Leland over the chaos. "The attendants will be here in a moment to help you all move cells. No further discussion will be held."

She reached for the keys and unlocked Joker's cell. Batman just looked at her. "Trust me, this is the safest place for you," she murmured. "It's precisely Joker's unique and bizarre psychosis that's going to protect you while you're here."

Batman nodded but said nothing as Dr. Leland pushed him into the cell and then locked the door. She left the cell block without another word.

Joker beamed at him. "All right, c'mere, buddy!" he exclaimed, holding out his arms. "I think somebody needs a hug!"

Batman just glared at him. Joker, undeterred, threw his arms around him and patted him on the back. "You gotta stay strong, ok, buddy?" he murmured. "I know you ain't responsible for those bombs – you ain't got the guts for that kinda fun. I know you been set up, and setting out to ruin your good name like that ain't funny, not at all. We ain't gonna stop fighting until we catch the guys who did that to ya. I promise."

Batman didn't respond, feeling incredibly uncomfortable at being hugged by the Joker. He released him at last and said, grinning, "So, you wanna be on top or bottom? Talking about the bunks, of course, not anything funny!" he giggled. "I prefer top, but it's up to you, roomie!"

"Whatever you want," retorted Batman. "Fortunately I can go three days without sleep."

"Really? And without the help of coffee? You're a better man than I, Batsy!" chuckled Joker. He patted him on the back again. "Lemme show you around the cell. This is the door, of course. Those are the bunks. Toilet in the corner, and a sink. Sign where I've reminded you to always wash your hands or you'll lose 'em – hygiene's important! You don't wanna get rats. Though I gotta admit, that one time we had rats and I did that variation on the copper bowl torture on that doctor, that was pretty hilarious. You ever heard of the copper bowl torture? Nasty little bit of comedy really…"

"Joker, since we are forced to share this space, I'm going to refrain from my usual tactic of shutting you up, which is beating you senseless," said Batman suddenly. "But if you keep talking, I'm not sure how well I'll be able to restrain myself in my current frame of mind. Since we're going to be roommates, why don't you just try to give me space and silence, or I swear I'll make you."

"No problemo, roomie…" began Joker, reaching out to pat him again, but Batman seized his hand.

"And stop touching me," he growled. "I have a thing about personal space."

He sat down on the bottom bunk, staring at the floor and trying to arrange his thoughts. He needed to break out of here as quickly as possible, not only for his own safety, but in order to stop Ra's al Ghul from continuing his crusade of terror. He needed to consider this logically, and figure out how…

"_You've got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative, don't mess with Mister In-Between. You've got to spread joy up to the maximum, bring gloom down to the minimum, have faith or pandemonium, liable to walk upon the scene…_"

"Stop singing," snapped Batman, glaring up at Joker.

"Oh right, sorry, roomie!" chuckled Joker. "I forgot you wanted silence."

He kept humming. "Stop humming," growled Batman.

"Oh, you mean like total silence? Sorry, Bats, I misunderstood. I'll be quiet now."

He kept whistling. Batman stood up, looming over him. "Stop…whistling," he hissed between gritted teeth, raising his fist.

"Was I whistling?" asked Joker, in mock astonishment. "Gee, sorry, Bats, it's one of those unconscious habit things of mine. Can't control it. Like the laughing – sometimes I just burst out laughing for no reason at all, and at all hours of the night. Sorry if I wake you up – it's not intentional. I'm just an uncontrollably happy guy!"

Batman sighed, sitting down again and trying to ignore Joker's laughter. It was not shaping up to be a pleasant stay at Arkham.


	5. Chapter 5

At dinner in the cafeteria later that night, the atmosphere was very much the same. Batman sat calmly eating his food and trying to ignore the furious stares from all the other inmates, except Joker, who kept talking at him.

"You'll wanna avoid the sprouts, Batsy, they're never pleasant," he was saying. "Also the meatloaf. I dunno what kinda animal it's made from, but it probably ain't FDA approved. Maybe it's made from bats! And you wouldn't wanna turn into a cannibal, would ya?" he chuckled. "Add that to your list of offences – bombing and cannibalism! Sounds like a good title for the memoir of a plane-crash survivor!"

He laughed hysterically while everyone else just continued to glare at Batman. "You know, it's rude to stare, guys," snapped Joker. "I don't understand why you're all so fascinated by Batsy being here. I've been expecting him for years!"

"Do you remember what you did to me at our last encounter?" murmured Jonathan Crane softly.

Batman took a drink of water. "Yes," he replied casually.

"You ripped an electrical cable out of the wall and shoved it into the toilet. And then you shoved my head down it," continued Crane.

Joker began chuckling madly. "Outstanding!" he giggled, clapping Batman on the shoulder.

"You attacked a child," retorted Batman.

"It was an experiment! I needed to see the minimum dosage required to affect children! It was science, you ignorant buffoon!" snapped Crane.

"It was torture!" shouted Batman. "It was only fair that you be tortured in return!"

"Call that justice?" growled Two-Face, flipping his coin. "You know anything about the law, Bats? Here in America we don't believe in Old Testament eye-for-an-eye style vengeance. We're a little more civilized than that."

Batman shrugged. "I think he learned his lesson. I don't think Professor Crane will be experimenting on children anymore."

"No, that's Hatty, like I said earlier!" laughed Joker.

"For the last time, I'm not…" began Tetch.

"The last time we met, Batman, it ended in a whole forest being burned to the ground," murmured Poison Ivy. "Hundreds of living creatures burned alive. I heard them screaming in agony until they were silenced forever. I hope you're happy about that."

"Yes, because it stopped you from unleashing Poison Ivy toxin on the citizens of Gotham," retorted Batman.

"Pruning the weeds, is what I was doing, Batman," murmured Ivy. "You have to prune the weeds, or they'll choke the flowers."

"Human beings are neither weeds nor flowers," muttered Batman. "I'm sorry you can't understand that, Ivy."

"Last time we met, Bats, I…" began Killer Croc.

"Threw a rock at him?" suggested Joker. "That's your usual style, Crocky old boy."

"Yes," muttered Croc. "And it was a big rock too. But it missed, and hit the rock wall, and brought down all the rocks on me. But this time, I'm not using a rock. This time, Batman, you're dead meat."

"Look, Batsy's beat the crap outta all of us at one time or another," said Joker, standing up. "He's beat the crap outta me more times than I can count, and probably worse than he has the rest of you. We have a special relationship, y'know," he said, patting his head and smiling. "But hey, I'm not the kinda guy who holds grudges! And nobody's killing him under my watch, got it? So why don't you bunch of losers just grow up and forget all about hurting him? It ain't gonna happen."

"Don't challenge all of us, Joker, you won't win," murmured Ivy.

Joker laughed. "You wanna bet, Pammie?" he retorted. "I'm betting me and Bats can take all you freaks put together."

"And me, puddin'!" chimed in Harley. "I'm on your side!"

"Of course you are, pumpkin pie," purred Joker, kissing her cheek. "So if you morons think you can take me, Harley, and Bats, why don't you bring it on? Let's settle this here and now."

Everyone glared at him but returned to their meals. Joker chuckled, sitting back down. "See, I told ya, Bats, they're all a bunch of cowards. Now let's get you back to our cell and all tucked in. I might read you a bedtime story if you wanna, although at the moment I'm making my way through _American Psycho_ and it ain't great bedtime reading, if I'm honest."

"I'm sure you shouldn't have a copy of that book," muttered Batman.

"Oh yeah, you're right, Batsy," said Joker, nodding. "It might subliminally influence me into becoming a murdering psychopath or something. Oh wait, too late!" he laughed. "And anyway, this guy Bateman's a real sad case – he should be having the time of his life with his murders and mutilations! But does he crack a smile, or have any sense of humor? No! Instead it's all drama; long, gratuitous descriptions of maim and rape, and I'm like 'lighten up, junior!' He just don't seem excited by any of it, and I don't get it - he's been saved from his boring business career by the glamor of homicide, and he don't appreciate a moment of it! There is nothing worse than a serial killer who takes himself too seriously, lemme tell you…"

Joker led Batman away, with Harley skipping after them. The others watched them go, and then Two-Face said, "All right, we're killing the Bat. Who's with me?"

Everyone nodded their agreement. "We need to wait for the right time, when J's not guarding him," he growled.

"I'll let you know when Harley leaves our cell," murmured Ivy. "When she and J are off in the janitor's closet for some fun, we'll grab Bats and have some fun of our own."

"Yeah, sounds good," said Two-Face, nodding. "I guess that way some good will have come of this roommate idea after all. I think I got screwed over, personally – there's technically three guys in my cell with Scarface and the Ventriloquist."

"Not to mention the two people in your head," retorted Ivy, dryly. "I imagine it is rather crowded in there."

"Nobody has it worse than me," snapped Edward Nygma, angrily. He gestured at Croc. "This cretin couldn't solve a riddle if I wrote down the answer for him!"

"I can't read," snapped Croc.

"Precisely my point, you inferior specimen of humanity," retorted Nygma.

Croc said nothing, but picked up the skeleton of the roasted chicken he had just consumed and popped it into his mouth, chewing loudly. Nygma looked at him and then muttered, "Yes, point taken. I'll keep the riddles to myself."


	6. Chapter 6

"Whatcha doing, roomie?"

"Meditating," replied Batman, keeping his eyes shut as he sat on his bed, legs crossed and breathing steadily.

"Kinda looks like you're sitting funny and breathing funny to me," said Joker. "Why're you doing that?"

"It helps me to conserve energy and hone my thoughts."

"Whatcha thinking about? It's me, isn't it? Am I wearing much?" chuckled Joker. "Y'know if you wanna see me naked, all you have to do is ask. Or we can just go to the showers."

"Meditation requires silence," said Batman, opening his eyes and glaring at Joker.

"Ah, I get ya," said Joker, nodding. "Say no more, Bats."

Batman shut his eyes again. Joker climbed onto the top bunk and picked up his book, popping a wad of bubble gum into his mouth. He chewed and then blew a bubble, popping it. Batman tried to ignore him, but when the sound happened again, and again, he had enough.

"I really can't concentrate when you're making noise like that!" he shouted, standing up.

"Geez, sorry, Bats," said Joker, surprised. "I just really hate total silence, y'know? Can't hear myself think."

"Yes, that's exactly my problem right now!" snapped Batman. "I have no intention of staying in here any longer than necessary, Joker…"

"Aw, you mean you ain't having fun being roomies, Bats?" asked Joker, looking slightly hurt. "I think it's a laugh riot…"

Batman seized him by the collar. "It's a living hell, is what it is!" he hissed. "And the only way I'm getting out of here is if I'm allowed to think of some way to escape! And the only way I can do that is if you shut up! So stop making noise before I beat you unconscious!"

He dropped Joker to the ground. He struggled to his feet, chuckling. "You know, I do like being threatened, Bats. Really puts me in the mood, I must say. Why don't you gimme a couple firm punches, and then I'll be off to see my girlfriend? That'll get me outta your hair, and you can do your funny breathing as much as you like."

Batman was only too happy to oblige, striking Joker a harsh blow across the face. "Oh yeah, that's it, Bats, harder!" he gasped.

Batman struck him several more times, trying to ignore the sounds of pleasure he made. He knocked him against the lock on the door and it broke. Joker climbed slowly to his feet and then gasped, "Thanks for the foreplay – see ya later, Bats!"

He raced from the cell. Batman shook his head slowly, sighing. But at least he was alone now, and there was relative silence. He intended to take advantage of it.

He sat back down on his bed, shutting his eyes again, trying to focus his thoughts. Easiest escape routes would probably be something to do with the laundry…or maybe a window could be forced…if only he had his gadgets, but his belt had been confiscated by the police. He only had his wits to rely on now…

He was suddenly seized and a bag was thrown over his head. He struggled violently, but there appeared to be several people restraining him, and he recognized the scaly, reptilian arms of Killer Croc holding him firmly. The man was stronger than he was – resistance was pointless. He stopped struggling and waited to see where they were taking him.

When the bag was removed from his head, he saw that he was in the old electrotherapy room, which mostly just contained patient records. He was hooked up to one of the old machines, which appeared to be working. Surrounding him were Two-Face, Poison Ivy, Scarecrow, Mad Hatter, Riddler, Scarface, Clayface, Freeze, and Croc, all smiling with a kind of gleeful triumph.

Two-Face approached him, flipping his coin. "I would normally give you a fifty-fifty chance, Bats," he growled. "But there are some things that are too important to leave to chance. And your death is one of them."

"Your eventual death," continued Crane. "After first being unmasked and tortured. There's really no point in struggling – there's no escape, and you can't take all of us on your own."

"No, you're caught like a bat in a trap," murmured Ivy, smiling at him. "And we are all going to enjoy this, Bats. Trust me."

She ran a finger down his mask. "You're finally going to pay for the murder of all my babies."

"For the constant humiliation and bullying," growled Crane.

"For making me late for tea," muttered Hatter.

"For cheating on my riddles," snapped Nygma.

"For being an annoying mook," said Scarface.

"For keeping Nora frozen," murmured Freeze.

"For upstaging me," hissed Clayface.

"For…erm…a lotta stuff," growled Croc.

"For justice," whispered Two-Face. "Your kinda justice, Bats. Let's start with a face for a face," he murmured, reaching out to unmask him.

"Hold it right there, Melty Face!" snapped a voice. Everyone turned to see that Harley Quinn had kicked open the door. The Joker stormed into the room, and started back in surprised.

"What the hell is going on?!" he demanded, furiously. "I am shocked, shocked at each and every one of you!"

Harley giggled. "Nice gag, Mr. J, because we're in the electrotherapy…"

"It wasn't a gag!" he shouted, striking her across the face suddenly. "It's not a joke! I'm being completely serious for once in my life, so everyone listen up! You oughta be ashamed of yourselves! What would any of us do without this guy?!"

"We'd win!" retorted Crane.

"And what kinda hollow victory would that be, Johnny?" snapped Joker. "Bats is the only thing that makes winning any fun! It's easy to win against the police! There ain't no fun in a fight without a challenge – it's like beating up a woman! And look how easy that is!" he shouted, hitting Harley again. "See? No challenge! If I wanted an easy fight, I'd just be content with repeatedly slapping around Harley! But I ain't, because it gets boring after awhile! She don't fight back, and look how easy it is for me to win!" he shouted, punching her again and knocking her to the ground. "No fun at all! All of you should be grateful to this man for giving your life a purpose! Without him, you're all just a bunch of freaks in a costume! But with him, you're supervillains! You think someone's just gonna appear to fill the void left by Bats if he dies?! Bats is one is a million! There ain't ever gonna be another one like him, so it's our job to take care of him, so he can keep fighting us and giving us a reason to live! Now c'mon Batsy!" he snapped, seizing the cables and ripping them off. "We're going back to our cell! And if any of you losers even think about touching him again, I'm going to personally disembowel you! You know what disemboweling is, Crocky?" he snapped.

"Um…not fun?" stammered Croc.

"That's right – it ain't fun," growled Joker. "Not for you, anyway. Harley, make sure they don't follow us."

"Rightaroonie, Mr. J!" said Harley, smiling despite the pain in her face. She gazed lovingly after Joker as he led Batman out of the room, and then stepped in front of the door, folding her arms across her chest and glaring at all of them.

"Are you guys actually going to take that from him?!" shrieked Ivy, furiously. "I don't care if J does wanna save his boyfriend – I'm gonna kill the Bat!"

"You really don't wanna do that, Red," snapped Harley.

"Look, just get out of my way, Harley," growled Ivy, pushing her away from the door. Harley suddenly kicked her in the back of the head, and then seized her arm and sent her flying into the wall.

"Anyone else?!" Harley shrieked, holding up her fists.

None of the other inmates had ever seen Harley like this, and they backed away slowly. "That's right, you'd better stay back!" she shrieked. "Now why doncha all just stay in here until you cool down?! If you even think about going after Mr. J and the Bat, I'll find you! And it won't be pretty!"

She slammed the door. The inmates looked from the unconscious Poison Ivy to the door and back. "So…staying in here for a while seems ideal," said Crane.

"Yeah," agreed Two-Face, reaching for one of the records. "Plenty to read anyway. Hey…looks like J didn't just make that up. They have suspected pedophile written in your record, Tetch," he said, showing the file to Hatter.

"Oh, for goodness sake!" cried Tetch. "Can't a man just model himself after a character in a children's book without people jumping to ridiculous conclusions?! And they call _me _mad!"


	7. Chapter 7

"They're all still in electrotherapy, Mr. J," said Harley, returning to Joker and Batman's cell.

"Good Harley," he cooed, patting her head as he would a dog. "Bats don't seem none the worse for wear, but I'm gonna stay with him for a while, just to make sure he don't have an emotional breakdown or anything."

"Aw, you're so thoughtful, Mr. J!" sighed Harley, gazing at him adoringly.

He kissed her. "Goodnight, my little punching bag," he whispered, stroking her bruised face.

"I love you, Mr. J," she breathed. She kissed him again and then skipped happily back off to her cell.

"She's a good kid," said Joker, turning back to Batman and smiling. Batman said nothing – he sat on the edge of his bed staring at the floor.

"Y'know, with all this silence, I'm beginning to see how you might've gone nuts," muttered Joker, sitting down on the floor opposite him. "C'mon, buddy. Talk to me. You know who's behind this frame-up, doncha? Tell me."

Batman nodded heavily. "It's a man called…Ra's al Ghul."

"That a man or a soft drink?" chuckled Joker. "I can see Ra's al Ghul-aid being the next big thing for the kiddies!"

"He's a man who claims to be over six-hundred years old," continued Batman.

"He must eat his veggies!" laughed Joker. "Is that his secret?"

"His secret is…none of your business," finished Batman, realizing that he should never let Joker know that such a thing as a Lazarus pit ever existed. The idea of Joker achieving immortality was a terrifying one. "But his purpose, in his twisted mind, is to cleanse the earth of what he sees as the scum of humanity. Basically all humanity."

Joker snorted. "Is there anything more annoying than a criminal idealist?" he muttered. "Eco terrorists, religious terrorists, terrorists in general, all a bunch of idiots who just need to lighten up. People call me a terrorist, but I ain't a terrorist. Terrorists have motives for their attacks, even if that motive is just plain terror. I ain't like that. I'm a comedian. I'm trying to make the world smile and laugh."

"By killing people?" demanded Batman.

Joker grinned. "Not everyone appreciates the joke, Batsy. And not everyone has a sense of humor. You certainly don't. But my point is that I hate people who use crime to try to make a point. It's just taking yourself too seriously, and I don't like that."

"Well, at least we can both agree that we don't like terrorists," said Batman.

"Or Nazis," said Joker. "I really don't like Nazis."

Batman stared at him. "What does that have to do with…"

"Nothing, I just thought you should know," interrupted Joker. "They're all a bunch of goose-stepping morons. Hate 'em."

"O…K," said Batman, slowly. "Ra's isn't a Nazi. But he does want to purify the world of what he sees as inferior specimens of humanity, so I guess there's a similar thought process. He's the one who's been setting off these bombs. He runs an society called the League of Shadows, which has members in every powerful organization in the world. The media, the police, the government, you name it, Ra's probably has someone planted there."

"Sounds like a pretty obsessive guy," sighed Joker. "I pity the poor bastards, I really do, Bats. But what's this Ra's al Ghul got against you exactly that would be worth locking you up here?"

"Oh, it's a long story," sighed Batman. "I used to date his daughter."

"Ah. Women trouble. That explains it," said Joker, nodding.

"But I think it's mostly because I get in the way of his so-called work," said Batman. "I nearly stopped that last bomb, and I was very close to discovering where he's hiding out. He knew I was close, so he sent me here. I don't think he thought I'd ever get out of here alive."

"He obviously didn't count on having a Joker in his deck," chuckled Joker. He stood up, clapping him on the back. "Well, that settles it. We need to bust you outta here as soon as possible. You stay here – I'll go get the guys from the electrotherapy room and explain the situation. Then we'll arrange a little escape attempt for you."

Batman stared at him. "You'd do that for me?" he asked quietly.

Joker shrugged. "Well yeah, sure. Having you break out and bust this guy Ra's is gonna be quite the joke on him!" he laughed. "Plus if he wants to wipe the scum of humanity from the earth, how long is it gonna be before he starts targeting us? Better the Bat I know than the Psycho I don't, that's my motto!"

He headed for the door. "Joker!" called Batman. He turned. "Thank you," said Batman, quietly.

Joker grinned. "Don't mention it, Bats," he said. "But I'll expect a goodbye kiss before you go!"

He left the cell, chuckling madly. Batman stared after him, sincerely hoping he was joking.


	8. Chapter 8

"Mr. J wants you to come to electrotherapy," said Harley, distracting Batman from his thoughts an hour later. "Says the guys have something they wanna say to you."

Batman followed her back to the room and opened the door. All the supercriminals still glared at him, and Joker beamed as he entered. "Batsy, the guys are sorry about all the unpleasantness earlier, and they just wanna apologize to you for their behavior. Doncha, guys?"

There was a non-committal muttering around the group. "And I've explained the situation to the gents…" continued Joker.

"And lady," growled Ivy.

"And…female, and we've all agreed, some with more reluctance than others, to help you bust outta here. Haven't we, boys?"

There was another round of non-committal muttering. "Haven't we, Pammie?" asked Joker, turning to her and smiling.

She shrugged. "Having Bats in our power and just letting him go seems like madness to me, but then what did I really expect from you, J? And I gotta admit, this Ra's al Ghul sounds like a man with the right idea. A guy who wants to wipe humanity from the face of the earth is my kinda guy. Is he hot?"

Batman looked at her. "He's six-hundred years old."

"And is he hot?" she repeated.

"I'm afraid I'm not the best judge of male attractiveness," retorted Batman. "But I do know that he won't be interested in a relationship with someone he sees as a lesser form of humanity. Criminals are no better than animals in his eyes."

"And I imagine you don't help with that perception, eh, Bat-boy?" chuckled Joker.

"I'm not a criminal," growled Batman.

"No? You go around assaulting people without official authorization," replied Joker. "In my book that's a criminal. Also, people who scream when they go to see horror movies, and then laugh right after, they're criminals too. They completely kill the tension. Normally I have to kill them in return, usually with Joker toxin so they die laughing."

"Puddin' really gets into his movies," murmured Harley, sliding a hand up his chest and kissing him.

"And this is gonna be just like _The Great Escape_, only with fewer Nazis," laughed Joker. "I hate Nazis," he muttered, suddenly serious. "No sense of humor, that was their problem. That and the whole genocide thing."

He cleared his throat. "Right. Harley, you're with me taking Batsy down to the tunnels. I need the rest of you to provide a distraction, something that'll keep the guards and doctors occupied enough not to be watching the security cameras."

"What do you suggest?" asked Ivy.

"Am I the only one here with any imagination, Pammie?" sighed Joker. "I dunno - a fight or something. Hey, Crocky!" he shouted. "Eddie Nygma here called you a sissy!"

"I did not…" began the Riddler, but he was suddenly punched in the face and sent flying by Killer Croc, right into Clayface. Clayface roared, morphing his hand into a hammer and sending Croc knocking into Poison Ivy, who immediately leapt at Clayface, knocking him into Two-Face. It didn't take long for a full-scale fight to start.

During the chaos, Joker grabbed Batman's hand and dashed from the room. "C'mon, Batsy," he said. "Gotta hurry before the guards get here!"

He whistled and Harley, who had the Ventriloquist in a headlock, dropped him and raced after them.

"Dr. Leland, the inmates are rioting again!" gasped a guard, rushing into Dr. Leland's office.

"Where?" she demanded, standing up.

"Electrotherapy!"

Dr. Leland nodded, rushing from the room and down the hall. She passed the security desk and shouted, "We'll need all available guards to stop the…"

She paused suddenly as her eyes fixed on the security cameras. She saw the Joker opening the door to the basement, with Batman and Harley following behind him.

"Dr. Leland, what…" began the security guard, about to turn around and look at the cameras.

"I said we'll need all available guards in electrotherapy! Now!" shouted Dr. Leland. He jumped to his feet and dashed off, terrified by the look she was giving him. Dr. Leland watched him go, and then turned her attention back to the cameras, where Harley was closing the door carefully behind them. She beamed. "Nice going, Joker. Get him outta here," she whispered. "God, if he weren't a psychotic maniac, I'd kiss him for this."


	9. Chapter 9

"You'll wanna watch your step – the basement connects to the sewer, and most of what Croc eats ends up down here, in one form or another," said Joker as he led Batman down through the tunnels below Arkham.

Harley let out a little shriek. "Ew…Mr. J, I think I just stepped in something nasty!" she whined.

Joker looked down. "That ain't anything nasty, pooh, it's just a dead rat."

"Ew! Mr. J!" she shrieked, jumping backward and landing in something else that squelched under her feet.

"Now that is something nasty, Harley," agreed Joker. "Jesus, Harl, you're even crap at walking. Get it?" he chuckled. "Cause you got crap on your feet now!"

Nobody else laughed, and Harley looked about to cry. Joker sighed. "All right, climb up, kiddo," he muttered, gesturing behind him. Harley squeaked happily and climbed up onto his back. He carried her piggyback style as they moved deeper into the tunnels.

"It's a pretty complex system of tunnels, but once you figure out the escape route, it's pretty easy to remember. Just find the river and follow it and it'll lead you straight out," explained Joker to Batman.

"So this is how you're always escaping from Arkham," murmured Batman.

"This is one way," agreed Joker.

"Well, how many are there?" asked Batman.

Joker looked puzzled for a moment. "Um…I've lost count really. Any idea, Harley girl?"

"At least five-hundred that we know of," replied Harley.

"What are some other routes?" asked Batman.

"Well, there's the vents, the laundry chute, the…" began Harley, but Joker suddenly slammed his head back into her face. "Ow! Whad da hell was dhad for?!" she demanded, cupping her bleeding nose with one hand while clinging onto him with the other.

Joker laughed. "Pumpkin pie, I'm surprised at you! We can't let Batsy in on all our secrets - it'd ruin the mystery! And there's no spark in a relationship without mystery, am I right? Anyway, he won't always be on our side. The last thing we want around here is tighter security."

"Yeah…dorry, Midah Day," she muttered, pinching her nose and holding her head back to stem the bleeding. "Guedd it was kinda a doohpid ding do do."

"Not surprising that you did it then, really, is it, pooh?" asked Joker. "My Harley girl's not known for being clever."

"Hey! I wad a docdor!" snapped Harley.

"Not a very good one if you don't even know how to stop a nosebleed," he muttered. "You lean forward, Harley, not back. Not on my shirt, you useless waste of space!" he shouted, as her nose dripped onto his uniform.

"Oh, calm down, puddin', I'll ged da blooddains oud like I alwayd do," muttered Harley. "Dhis ain'd even your nice duit, doh quid whining!"

"Bet you'll be glad to get back in the old Batsuit and outta this itchy uniform, eh, Batsy?" asked Joker, smiling. "They ain't the most flattering color, I'll grant you."

"Mostly I'll be glad when Ra's al Ghul is stopped and I know innocent people are safe," retorted Batman.

"For now," agreed Joker. "But not for long, hopefully! Where would be the fun in that?"

He laughed, and it echoed around the tunnels. The laughter mingled with a gentle roar, and a moment later, the river was in front of them. They followed it. "You know where this guy Ra's is hiding out?" asked Joker.

"Yes," retorted Batman. "At least, I know his general location. He shouldn't be too hard to track from there. He won't be expecting me to be looking for him, so he probably won't have moved."

"Ah, y'see, over-confidence," sighed Joker sadly. "It's every villain's downfall. You ever wonder, Batsy, why we don't just shoot you when we have the chance?"

"Yes," admitted Batman honestly.

"I duggeded dhad," muttered Harley. "And I god acid dhod ad me."

"And I think I explained to you at the time, Harley, not that you were listening, because you never do, because things go in one ear and out the other with you, because there's nothing in between your ears like a brain like most people have, that Batman's death must be nothing less than a masterpiece," snapped Joker. "The triumph of my sheer comic genius over his ridiculous mask and gadgets! No offense, Batsy, but some of your gadgets are ridiculous…"

"So it's not what you told the others at all," murmured Batman. "It's not that you don't want me dead. It's that you want you to be the one to do it, in your own time, in your own way."

Joker giggled. "Correctamundo! Well, I couldn't leave you to the Z-listers, could I? No, it's gonna be you and me in a battle to the death, one day. The greatest day of my life."

Batman looked at him. "Not today?" he asked quietly.

Joker grinned. "Not today," he murmured, nodding. "But someday. When you least expect it. But not today, because now you're thinking today is the day you'd least expect because I just confirmed it wasn't today, but it isn't today, it's another day you'd least expect…"

"Midah Day, you're giving me a headache!" snapped Harley.

"Yeah, me too," muttered Batman. He paused. "What's that light up ahead?"

Joker giggled. "Light at the end of a long tunnel? Maybe it is today after all, Batsy! Although more likely, it's the sun."

They headed toward the light, which was indeed the sun shining through a large pipe at the base of the tunnel, where the river flowed outside. Joker put Harley down and nodded. "There ya go, Bats. It'll put you out just outside of Gotham. I'm guessing you can find your way from there."

"Yeah," agreed Batman. He crouched down, and then turned back. "Thank you," he murmured.

Joker shrugged. "Just tell this Ra's al Ghul guy to lighten up for me, ok, Bats?"

"I…will," said Batman slowly. "I…um…" He struggled to think of something else to say, but gave up. "Thanks," he muttered again, nodding at both of them. Then he slipped through the pipe and was gone.

"Bye, Batsy!" called Joker, smiling and waving after him. He pretended to wipe a tear away. "Aw, they grow up so fast, don't they, Harley doll?" he sighed. He looked around sadly. "And the nest is just so empty without him!"

"Yeah…" agreed Harley, slowly, still holding her nose. She looked at him. "Aren'd we…uh…gonna edape doo, Midah Day?"

"Oh, God yes," retorted Joker. "I ain't spending any more time in this dump if Batsy ain't here to put a smile on my face. Time for us to fly the nest as well, my little turtledove. We just need to give Batsy enough of a head start to make it look like we ain't following him. But I wanna meet this Ra's al Ghul personally and see if I can't put a smile on his face too." He grinned. "A permanent one."


	10. Chapter 10

"My lord, as commanded, we have planted three more bombs in Metropolis, set to detonate on the schedule you provided," said the henchman, approaching Ra's al Ghul's throne and bowing.

"Excellent. Once the terror moves to Metropolis, we can extend the blame to their own vigilante hero, the so-called Superman," said Ra's, smiling. "We can prove that this Justice League is in fact nothing more than a terrorist organization meant to keep the people enslaved at the hands of power-hungry aliens and delusional mortals. And once the people turn on their former heroes, it will be easy to bring humanity crashing down. For there is nothing more destructive to the human mind than to rob it of stability. Breaking their idols will be enough to break most of their weak little minds. Mistrust, anarchy, and chaos will be the result, and at the end, complete annihilation of the human race…and peace. Blessed peace, the calm before the coming of a new age of enlightened humanity, for only the enlightened will be permitted to live in the new society. For the ignorant, the insane, and the immoral, death will be swift and brutal so they may not pass on their imperfections. And so we will save the world."

"Better destroy yourself along with it," said a voice from the shadows. "If the insane will be killed, you'll be the first to go."

"It's not…possible," stammered Ra's al Ghul as Batman stepped out of the shadows of the room. "How did you escape from the lunatics' clutches?"

"Let's just say it was a case of the mad leading the mad," retorted Batman. "Just like you, Ra's. You pretend to be better, superior to the Arkham inmates, but you're just like all the rest of them. You're blinded by your own madness from seeing the insanity of your vision. Your new race of enlightened humanity won't be human at all. They'll be no better than robots, not allowed to make decisions or mistakes or have feelings."

"If that is what it takes the keep the planet safe, so be it," retorted Ra's. "You are overly fond of humanity, Batman, and that will be your downfall. You do not kill because you believe in the sanctity of human life. But how can a life be sacred if it is flawed?"

"It's the flaws that make it sacred," growled Batman. "If we were all perfect, why would we value anything? It's only because humans are capable of making mistakes, of committing crimes, of being evil, that we are able to see the value and worth of things like love, humanity, and compassion. Without great evil, there cannot be great good."

"And so that is why you save your precious supercriminals night after night," murmured Ra's. "You need them."

"I save them because they're human," muttered Batman. "Incredibly imperfect, horrendously flawed human beings. But all the more sacred for that."

"What is it that the fool Gandhi said? Love the sinner but hate the sin? I see you share his misguided beliefs," sighed Ra's. "But what you believe doesn't matter, Batman. You cannot stop the League of Shadows. I have people in every pocket of the world, in every organization, in every system of government. What can one man do against such absolute power?"

In response, Batman punched him violently in the face, knocking him to the ground. "That, for starters," he muttered.

"Foolish, Detective," muttered Ra's, struggling to his feet and holding up his hand to stop the henchman from attacking Batman. "But then perhaps with your time spent among the mad, you are no longer able to distinguish sanity from insanity."

He snapped his fingers and several guards instantly appeared in the room. "It is a pity, Detective, that I cannot convince you to join our glorious crusade," he murmured. "But I can no longer cling onto the futile hope that you will change your mind one day. I am not as mad as the lunatics after all, you see," he added, grinning. He snapped his fingers again and the guards drew swords.

"Kill him," commanded Ra's. Batman backed away from the approaching guards, looking around for some way to escape…

Suddenly, the sound of machine gun fire made him instantly drop to the ground. He heard screaming and looked up to see the guards being riddled with bullets.

"Harley, you can stop now, we don't wanna waste all the bullets…Harley, stop…Harley!"

"I can't, Mr. J, it's stuck!" cried two familiar voices over the noise.

The shooting stopped at last, and Ra's and Batman, who were the only two left alive, turned to see the Joker and Harley Quinn emerge from the shadows, Harley throwing a smoking machine gun violently to the ground. "Piece of junk," she muttered. "They just don't make 'em like they used to, Mr. J."

"Yeah, ain't that the truth," sighed Joker. "Automatic weapons manufacturing is getting shoddy, I tell ya. Oh well. At least we still got the oldies but goodies," he chuckled, reaching for his pistol and pointing it at Ra's, smiling. "And speaking of oldies, how ya doing, grandpa? Batsy's told me so much about you."

"Joker, what are you doing here?" hissed Batman.

"Y'know, one of these days you could say thank you to me for saving your life," snapped Joker. "It's not the first time I've done it, y'know, and I've never heard you say thanks!"

Ra's studied the Joker, smiling. "So this is the famous Joker," he murmured. "I must say, you're not a particularly impressive specimen of humanity. I thought you'd be taller."

"And I thought a guy your age would have a few more wrinkles," laughed Joker. "You wanna let me in on the secret of eternal youth? Spa treatments? Yoga? Wearing green? Hey Harley, maybe we should set this guy up with Pammie!" he laughed. "They've got a similar taste in fashion!"

Ra's studied him some more and then turned back to Batman. "I must confess, Detective, he does not seem like the most cunning adversary. Surely it is no challenge to best him?"

A boxing glove on a spring suddenly shot from Joker's gun, knocking Ra's back against his throne. "I'm full of surprises!" chuckled Joker. "That's what makes the game fun, eh, Batsy?"

"Joker, I don't want you hurting him," demanded Batman.

"Yes, you must know of his tedious unwillingness to kill," said Ra's, smiling. "Although in my case perhaps it is justified. What would the Batman do without his greatest rival to…"

Joker had another gun against Ra's temple before he could say another word. "Say that again!" he hissed.

"I said what would Batman do without his greatest rival to…"

"I'm Batsy's greatest rival!" snapped Joker. "Me, and no one else! You got that, grandpa?"

Ra's smiled. "You? Batman's greatest rival? You're a mere mortal."

"And you are a joke that's really starting to bore me," hissed Joker. "And you may have heard what I do to jokes that get old…"

"Joker, I said no!" shouted Batman, shoving him away. "If he dies, I'll have no way to clear my name! He has to confess!"

"Confess?" repeated Ra's, with a mocking grin. "To whom? The police? The media? All of them my servants."

"Not to them," hissed Batman, rounding on him. "To the people."

"The people," said Ra's, smiling. "In whom you put so much faith, Detective. And yet who were only too ready to believe in the set-up I created, in your responsibility for these crimes, even though I planted all the evidence and manipulated all the facts! The people, who should have known better, believed what they were meant to believe. Nothing more."

"Yes. But now they've heard the truth from your own lips," retorted Batman. He pulled out a camera and microphone he had hidden in his cape. "The feed from this is being broadcast live to every TV and radio in the greater Gotham area," he muttered. "I don't think it'll take long to break nationally."

Ra's looked surprised, but he recovered almost immediately. "Which means you have achieved a small victory. I congratulate you. But there is no stopping the forces already in motion for the destruction of all humanity. There is no way for you to prevent the complete annihilation of the human race, in fire and blood and chaos. There is no way for you to silence the command of the great Ra's al…"

A shot was heard again, and Ra's fell back against his throne. A bullet had embedded itself in his mouth and blood poured from his lips as he choked and then fell silent, eyes shut in death.

"Pretty silent now, ain't ya?" giggled Joker.

"I told you not to kill him!" shouted Batman, whirling around.

Joker shrugged. "He'd already confessed. We got what we needed, and we didn't have any further use for him."

"Plus he wouldn't shut up," added Harley. "And nobody likes a ham, Batsy. I am the great blah de blah," she said, mimicking his voice. "Geez, lighten up, Mr. Doom and Gloom!"

Batman turned back to Ra's' body and sighed heavily. There was nothing he could do except take him to the morgue and try to guard the body to prevent members of the League of Shadows stealing it and taking it to a Lazarus pit. Batman resolved to do his best, but he wasn't optimistic. He was almost positive he hadn't seen the last of Ra's al Ghul.

Then he turned back to Joker and suddenly slapped him in a pair of handcuffs. "Hey, what gives, Bats?" demanded Joker.

"Let Mr. J go…" began Harley, raising a fist, but Batman immediately blocked the blow and then bent her arms back, cuffing her too.

"You're both going back to Arkham," snapped Batman, grabbing their wrists and dragging them from the room. "You've caused enough trouble for one day."

"Call that trouble, saving your life and killing a terrorist?" snapped Joker. "You really are nuts, Bats, you know that?"

They got outside and were immediately met by a mass of press and police. Batman handed Joker and Harley over to Gordon, and then turned to face the cameras.

"Batman, we would all like to issue an apology for…"

"Taken in by an ingeniously clever conspiracy…"

"All of us still believed in you, of course…"

"Batman, just answer one question!" cried Vicki Vale. "How could you possibly have survived in Arkham Asylum, locked up with your deadliest enemies? It's a miracle that you're alive today!"

Batman nodded. "I will answer that question, Vicki. It's true I was in incredible danger every second I was in Arkham. And I don't believe I ever would have survived in there without the help of one man. It is strange for me to admit this, but this man saved my life. He was, impossible as it may seem to all of you, a hero, and I would like to publicly recognize him, and thank him for protecting me. Ladies and gentlemen, this man was the Joker," he said, gesturing to the Joker, who stared back at him in horror.

Joker's horror grew as he was immediately swarmed by a mass of reporters. "Mr. Joker, why did you do it?"

"Saving your greatest enemy? Do you in fact have feelings after all, Mr. Joker?"

"Is this the beginning of a change of heart for you, Mr. Joker? Thinking of giving up villainy and becoming a hero?"

"No comment! He's got no comment!" shrieked Harley, trying to shield him from the cameras.

Joker's horror instantly turned to fury. "I'll get you for this, Bats!" he shouted as he was dragged into the waiting police van. "You're dead! I am no hero, you got that?! No hero!"

The doors to the van slammed shut, shutting out the sea of voices and flashing cameras. Joker growled. "You do a nice thing for a guy and he throws it back in your face," he muttered. "Well, I've learned my lesson, Harley. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Not ever!"

"Don't worry, puddin'. I'm sure when we break out again and blow up a couple buildings full of innocent civilians, that'll convince the press that you ain't a hero after all," sighed Harley, cuddling against him. "You're my big, strong, bad guy, and you always will be."

"Yeah, some kinda explosion or mass shooting gag oughta do the trick," agreed Joker. "That'll put things back to normal."

He looked out the window as the van drove off, keeping his eyes fixed on Batman. Batman raised a hand and waved at him. He even gave a slight smile.

Joker suddenly started laughing hysterically. "Joke's on me, ain't it, Batsy!" he chuckled. "Oh, I knew he had a sense of humor hiding somewhere under that grim façade! Just as crazy as the rest of us, you take my word for it, Harley."

He grinned, leaning back and shutting his eyes. "See you in Arkham again soon, buddy," he murmured.

**The End**


End file.
